The triad of a romantic relationship - intense love, sexual desire and long-term commitment - seems difficult to achieve. But it is not so unusual or out of reach, as we often think.
"We are born
to love," writes the anthropologist and author of the book "Why We
Love", Helen Fisher .
"The feeling of romantic love is deeply rooted in our minds. But how long?"
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Science tells us that the romance can hold - often longer than
we think. Our culture tends but
to be quite cynical about the prospects of lasting romance to be (as opposed to
the "other loves" pleasure and long-term commitment). And for good
reason. About
50 percent of
marriages end in divorce, with 2.4 million American divorces in 2012. And in
the families that stay together, has spread discontent.
In long-term partnerships that work, is the romance often the camaraderie and the love of friendship.
But no matter how cynical we think about the lifelong love, it
still seems to be that are looking for the most Americans. Romance is increasingly seen as an
essential part of marriage. 91
percent of women and 86 percent of men said in a survey that they would not marry a perfect partner if they were not in love.
This kind of love
is good for our marriage and our health. Romantic
love - free from the early stages of infatuation - is often long-term
marriages, the research has found. The
marriage satisfaction is often related to the individual well-being and
self-esteem.
Although our science has given an insight into the temperament
of love and romantic relationships, this fundamentally important area of human
existence remains a mystery. Love,
especially the long-lasting, one of was "the
most studied and least understood areas in psychology."
There may be more questions than answers, but we know that love and marriage is
good for our physical and mental health. And
psychologists who study love, marriage and relationships have a number of
factors that contribute to long-lasting, romantic love found.
Here are six
scientific secrets of couples who already receive intensive romance for decades
or her life upright.
Lifetime romance is possible
Despite the high divorce rates, infidelity and dissatisfaction -
it's not lost all hope. On the
contrary. A study from 2012 ,
which was published by the journal "Social Psychological and Personality
Science" found that 40 percent of married people said they were "very
much in love". In the same
study said 40 percent of women and 35 percent of men who had been married for
more than 30 years they were "very much in love".
They are not
convinced that alone tell the couples? The
neuroscientific research has proved that romance can last a lifetime.
A 2011 in the journal "Social Cognitive and Affective
Neuroscience" published study found that
the brain activity in patients in long-term partnerships (who were married 21
years on average) are comparable with those are newly in love. The results
showed similar brain activity both groups with high activity in the reward and
motivation centers of the brain results suggest that couples can not only love
for a long time -. they can also stay in love.
Getting the
romance over many years, has a positive effect in the brain that understands
romance as cognitive reward, says psychology researcher Adoree Durayappah.
"The key to
the romance is for long-term sustainability, it scientifically to understand a
little ', Durayappah wrote in" Psychology Today " ." Our brain sees the permanent
passionate love as a purposeful behavior to obtain rewards. This reward can be,. B. be the
reduction of anxiety and stress, but also the feeling of security, a state of
rest or the connection with another. "
The feeling of "blind love"
When we fall in
love with someone, we tend to worship the ground on which one goes. We see him
as the most beautiful, smartest and consummate person in our environment. After a few months or years, we take
our partners of this base may back down. It
is precisely this sense of "blind love" critical for a long-lasting
passionate love.
The University of Geneva has claimed more than 500 studies conducted found any combination of two
personality traits in a relationship, which predict a long-term romance. With one exception: The ability to
maintain positive illusions about partner - look it as a good, smart, funny and
caring, or to see him generally as a "catcher" - helps, happy to stay
together.
Try new things
Boredom can be a major
obstacle to lasting romance or love. Successful
couples always find a way to make the relationship interesting.
Psychological research has, according to "Psychology
Today" found that
couples who experience intense love are the ones who not only feel a strong
physical and emotional attraction, but also new and challenging activities to
enjoy together.
"New and
exciting experiences allow the partners appear more attractive. They rekindle
the spark," Amie Gordan wrote in the "Berkeley Science Review" .
preserve independence
Dependence according to the psychologist and author Esther Perel
the enemy of long-lasting pleasure (which is an important part of romance is). In the popular TED Talkasked Perel: "Why faded
sexual desire over time also in love relationships"
The dependence in
long-term partnerships - The would assume that we are looking for in a
partnership for security and stability - is a damper for the erotic spark, said
Perel.But when couples maintain their independence and each sometimes alone can
do something, you can see his partner again and again in a new light.
"When I see
my partner as he focused on his own thing, the perception shifts," says
Perel. If we kept their our
secrets, there is no dependency.
"So if you
want to keep alive the spark, give your partner the space to do that, which is
good for him. Watch him now and
then in his passion and how he radiates, "says Perel.
Passion for life carries over to the relationship
Psychologists have found that a strong passion for life can help
to maintain a lifelong love affair upright. A study of the Stony Brook University from 2012 examined the personality
traits that should have a positive effect on life-long relationships. The researchers found that people who
are enthusiastic about life and more likely to lead, a romantic relationship.
"People that enrich their daily lives with joy and strong
emotions seem to transmit these feelings on their love life," Susan Krauss Whitbourne wrote in "Psychology Today" . "If you want your relationship
is passionate to bring you this emotional energy in your hobby, interests or
political activities. "
The relationship as a joint journey to self-realization
While individuals
usually seek in marriage security, the social perspective has shifted: men and
women are looking for in marriage increasingly for self-realization and
personal fulfillment. Such
marriage can be satisfying for both partners. But:
Each partner needs to invest more time and energy in the relationship, so that
it is successful.
"The average wedding today is weaker than that of the past.
Both in terms of satisfaction, as well as on divorce rates. But good marriages
are now much more in terms of personal well-being, as before," Eli J. Finkel wrote, Professor of social psychology at
Northwestern University, in the "New York Times".
Instead of
satisfying basic needs and to serve the survival of society, marriage is now a
means to self-realization. This
new direction can help to consolidate the romance in a relationship longer,
until each partner is willing to invest in the relationship.
"Just as
expectations rose to the marriage, so also the potential psychological benefits
have increased," noted Finkel ,
"but to achieve these results, has become more demanding."
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